Dear Teenagers,
I am twenty eight years
old, and I have worked with young people for the last ten years, as a youth
pastor, teacher, and mentor. I have been married for five years and have one
child and another on the way. From my fellow married adults, who have garnered
some wisdom from life experience and who care about your welfare, allow me to
let you in on a little secret: you’re being lied to about sex. You live in a
world that is selling a giant, heaping load of bull when it comes to sexuality.
The first lie goes
something like this: sex is the greatest thing on the planet! Sex will change
your life. Sex will heal you. Sex will fix your problems with self-esteem. Your
problems with loneliness will disappear when you have sex.
Pop icon Hozier
articulates this lie very well. He equates sex to a worship experience in his
song, “Take Me to Church,” where he says he, “worships in the bedroom.” He
essentially says sex constitutes the ultimate experience on earth.
I can remember when I was
a teenager, asking my newlywed older friend, “How’s sex?” He said, “Nice.”
Nice? That’s all? I was
outraged.
After five years of
marriage, I can say that sex is a really great blessing to enjoy with your
spouse, but it will not fix any of your problems. It’s an awesome thing, no
doubt. However, if you have sex one night, your insecurities, anxieties, and
loneliness will be there to greet you when you step out of bed the next
morning. Only God himself can fix your problems by his grace, in relationship
with Him and through meaningful relationships with others.
The second lie you will
be told both implicitly and directly: sexual repression is unhealthy and will
harm you. This idea flows from the idea that sex is a natural appetite, like
your need for food, water, and air. If repressed, psychological and physical
damage will occur. Therefore, you must find regular outlets for sexual
activity, exploration, and expression.
Sadly, a great deal of
pseudo-science undergirds this lie. I am not a psychologist and have not read
the entire corpus of clinical studies on sexual repression. However, from the research I have done, I
struggled to find a study that linked depression, anxiety, or suicide to a lack
of sexual activity. Meanwhile, Dr.
Miriam Grossman’s book, Unprotected, examines the mental health damage done to
college students through sexual promiscuity. Grossman calls out colleges for
failing to educate students on the potential problems that “sexually-liberated”
behavior brings.
In one section of the
book, Grossman berates the destructive encouragement, delivered by a Columbia
University publication, for students to pursue sexual exploration:
I want to understand how
in the face of national pandemics of herpes and HPV these health “experts” can
advise a high school senior who already had three boyfriends to continue to
experiment and explore her sexuality, claiming that doing so will “only add to
her future well-being and peace of mind.” Exactly what study, I’d like to know,
demonstrated that. And to the freshman who is wondering whether to loser her
virginity to a boy she’s know only three weeks, “Alice” says: three days, three
weeks, three months, three years? There’s no right time to have your first
intercourse.
Lastly, you are being
told the lie that sex is something that you deserve to have on your terms. You
are the master of your body. You are the master of your life. Therefore, you
make the rules, and you set the standards.
Nothing sells this more
insidiously than pornography. Porn says, “You want sexual pleasure? Pull it up
on your phone, and within minutes an attractive person has undressed for you.
You can have this however you like it.” Porn tells the lie that sex is all
about you and your wants. Other people are objects in this arena.
Porn is an obvious liar,
but many people and media will communicate something along these lines in a
subtler manner. The message will be that you can have sex now or later. You can
do it as a teenager or wait until marriage. What’s important is that you are
the one calling the shots and being true to yourself, because it’s your life
and your choice.
Here’s the problem: you
don’t just belong to yourself. You belong to God. You belong to those around
you. You belong to society. That means that your actions have consequences that
extend far beyond your own life. When you operate selfishly in this area,
people get hurt, including you.
Let me close this letter
up by telling you some things that are true: God gave you sex as a gift because
he likes you. He gave it to you because he is on your side. Mankind did not
invent sex: God did. As the designer, He established universal standards of
best practice (like “don’t have sex outside of marriage” and “walk away from
porn”) that apply to everyone. Because God designed sex, you should listen to
Him. Because He deeply cares for you, then you should trust Him. When He says
wait until marriage, it’s not to be a buzz-kill or a jerk: it’s because he’s a
really good (perfect, in fact) parent.
Let me tell you one more
truth: you are going to make mistakes – big ones – when it comes to sexuality.
We all do. Whether it’s a regrettable decision, an embarrassing urge, a porn
addiction, or crossing the same line you swore you never would over and over
again. It’s going to happen. There is one person who will not judge you when
you fall: Jesus.
Finally, if nothing else,
hear this comforting truth:
My dear children, I write
this to you so that you will not sin. But if anybody does sin, we have an
advocate with the Father – Jesus Christ, the Righteous One. And He Himself is
the propitiation for our sins; and not for ours only, but also for those of the
whole world. (1 John 2: 1-2)
Reaching, Teaching, Releasing
T Welch
No comments:
Post a Comment