Random Thoughts During A Church Service:

Let’s be honest. We’ve all been there. 

It’s Sunday morning, and even though we’re in church, our brains are elsewhere. We’re not saying it’s a good thing to let your mind drift during a Sunday morning service, but it happens, OK? We’re not monks.

Look, it even happened during one of Paul’s sermons, and he was, like, the greatest preacher ever. (And side note: Even though that poor dude in Acts not only fell asleep but also fell out of a window, had to be literally be brought back from the dead and totally caused a whole scene, Paul was pretty chill about it.)

It’s literally been happening since the very first church services, so we might as well be honest.

Here are thoughts everyone has had while bored at church:

I hope my phone battery doesn’t die. Did I charge it last night?

Is the bass player’s amp even turned on? Seriously, I don’t hear him at all.

I’d feel pretty claustrophobic if I was stuck in that giant glass drum shield. I wonder how well he can breath in there? At least there’s that little fan.

Did I set my fantasy line up yet?

If I turn the brightness down on my phone, no one can tell I’m on Facebook not YouVersion.

Various thoughts about lunch.

Crud, Chick-fil-A is closed today.

Maybe I'll go to Taco Bell. I just don't like that spiced-beef aftertaste I'll have to deal with all afternoon.

Whatever happened to Quiznos?

Is the guy next to me pretending to text during the “greet people around you” transitional time? Messed up, man.

Are narwhals mythical? They can’t be real, right?

I’m pretty sure that PowerPoint slide has a typo. I should tell someone about that before the second service.

Never mind, that is how you spell "neighbor." Whoever came up with "i-before-e accept after c" rule has no idea what they're talking about.

Various thoughts about lunch.

Hypothetically, if I folded the bulletin into an airplane, I think I could land it in the baptismal.

Remember those foldable fortune-teller things? I wonder if I still remember how to make one.

From the looks of this mission’s display, there are a lot of variations of world flags.

Wow, Nepal has a cool flag. I didn’t even know that they were allowed to be non-rectangular. I wonder if there’s a law about that?

Various thoughts about lunch.

Is he wrapping? One more point usually means he's launching like a whole new acronym.

I’m going to covertly look around during “every head bowed, every eye closed” time. No one will notice … Uh, oh, the pastor just looked right at me. We made eye contact.

This is awkward. I think he thinks I was asking for prayer or something.

I have no choice. I have to go forward.

I really wish I had been paying attention.

Oh boy, people are clapping while I walk toward the stage.

Did I just volunteer to lead a missions trip?

Welp, looks like I’m going to Honduras.

Various thoughts about lunch.

*Originally published in August issue of Relevant Magazine