Dogfight

After Julia gave birth to Piper, we received congratulations from friends and family. There were a number of people whom we would tell we had a baby and they would say, "Oh, you had a baby. Yeah, we just got a puppy." What? In no other situation would you compare a human to an animal and people would actually be okay with it. You could never say, "Oh, you just got married? Yeah, I used to have a pig. Does your new wife like to roll around in mud too? My pig loved that."

Of course, the dog-and-baby comparison is nothing new. Dog owners are sincere and mean no insult. their dog is their "baby". But, of course, a dog is not a baby. It's a dog. It's a good thing babies have no idea how often they are compared to dogs. I would think that would be pretty insulting to the babies. Let me be clear. I love all animals. I love to pet them. I love to eat them. I'm an all-around animal lover, but besides the drooling and whimpering, your dog is not that similar to a baby. Take the smells, for instance. Babies are two extremes on the spectrum of smell. They either smell like heaven filled with lollipops or like a microwave cesspool. The cleanest of clean dogs still smells like a dog. Allow me to list a few other differences.

1. Dogs come when you call their name.
2. The absence of birth control does not lead to pet ownership.
3. You don't have to worry about your dog ever becoming addicted to meth.
4. You do not have to save so your dog can go to college and then find out after they graduate that they want to be an actor.
5. If someone is pushing a baby in a stroller, they are probably a parent or a caregiver. If someone is pushing a dog in a stroller, they are probably insane.

In some ways a kid is easier than having a dog. When you go on vacation, you don't have to kennel your kids. You can stay in any hotel with your kids, and you don't have to hide them when room service comes. With children, you can look forward to a time when they eventually learn to feed and bathe themselves. If you give a dog a bar of soup and put it in the bathroom, it is going to eat the bar of soap. Dogs and kids are both affectionate, but dogs always have dog breath. Or soapy dog breath.

*Dad is fat by Jim Gaffigan