Eight Very Awkward Bible Stories:

Father Abraham, faithful David, brave Esther, preaching prophets, missionary Paul, parting waters, boasting giants, storms, battles, miracles – the Bible is loaded with amazing stories we love to teach to children. Sunday school teachers have an arsenal of lessons and characters they can offer with the graham crackers and apple juice.

The wonderful thing about the Bible is that it is very uncensored. The story of redemption is very real. But this definitely presents some difficulty when teaching the Bible to kids.

But there are a few stories that never make it on the flannel graph. For obvious reasons. Here are eight of the most awkward Bible stories to teach to children.

The Flood

The Lord told Noah to build Him an arkie, arkie. The animals came by twosies, twosies. What fun! But there’s a reason we stop at this point in the story. As soon as that door closes, it becomes a scene out of Quentin Tarantino movie. “Let’s sing a song about all the cute little bunnies and puppies and EVERYONE DYING!” What a fun ditty about a floating wooden box containing a few people and animals trying to avoid the mass destruction of all living things. It was the original apocalyptic “last man on earth” story, not a floating petting zoo. And pay no attention to all the floating corpses!

Circumcision

And the Lord told Abraham he would be blessed with offspring greater than the sand on the shore and they would bless all the people of world and to . . . do what to all the men in his household? Can’t we annihilate some pagans or kill some cows or burn some idols or something? We’ll even take care of Sodom and Gomorrah for you! Does it have to be that? Are we sure can’t go back to Ur? I imagine that was an awkward conversation between Abraham and Sarah. “Sarah, I’m going to be out of commission for a couple weeks.”

The Second Half of Genesis

Usually when teachers get to the second half of Genesis it’s basically “And Jacob was faithful man who died. Oh look! A coat of many colors! Then Joseph saved everyone and they all lived happily ever after, the end.” Teaching the second half of Genesis is like walking through your kids’ toy room in the dark after they played with Legos – you are bound to step on something painful. If you’re up for a challenge see if you can navigate the lies, the circumcision, the rape, the circumcision, the incest, the circumcision, the seduction, the circumcision, the adultery, the circumcision, and so on. Genesis should come with a PG-13 rating, possibly R.

Ehud and Eglon

If you want to win the hearts of elementary school boys this is the story to do it, complete with fat jokes, spy stuff, violence, and poop. Which is precisely why most teachers pretend it doesn’t exist. Ehud, one of Israel’s judges kills Eglon, an oppressive king “who was a very fat man” by stabbing him through his enormous belly with a short sword at which point he he lost total control of his bowels. This was literally the crap hitting the fan. Eglon was so fat that the sword completely disappeared inside his belly. (Imagine if Princess Leia had stabbed Jabba the Hutt instead of choking him.) Ehud made his escape while Eglon’s servants left the king alone thinking he was using the John. Light a match, Eglon. Light a match.

Jael and Sisera

The tale of Sisera, an invading general, and Jael, an Israelite woman, is more Game of Thrones than Sunday school. Sisera is invited into Jael’s tent to hide from pursuing Israelite forces. She gives him a place to rest and something to drink and promises to keep an eye out for anyone dangerous. And then while he’s asleep she takes a tent stake and pounds it through his head into the ground. How do you explain that one to kids? “Well kids, then Jael…she…knocked him on the head and…he didn’t wake up in the morning.” You have to wonder if, when the pursuer caught up, they made any jokes like “We’ve got him pinned down now, boys!” or “We really nailed that guy!”

The Virgin Birth

So peaceful, so perfect, such a beautiful moment with a shining star. The cattle are lowing, the shepherds bowing. Sweet Mary is holding her precious baby, the King of the universe, wrapped in swaddling cloths. Ah, Christmas!

“Dad, what’s a virgin?” “Well, honey, that means, um, well, OH LOOK COOKIES!”

Turns out Christmas provides an annual opportunity to have a conversation about the birds and the bees too.

Judas “Hangs” Himself

Acts: a safe book, a book of the mission of God to establish his church, a book of missionary journeys and miracles. Oh, and a book of bursting bodies and entrails splattering on the ground. Luke starts off his historical account with a lovely rendition of how Judas took his own life. Nothing to see here, kids. Lets move on to tongues of fire and thousands being saved.

Paul’s Sincerest Wish For the Judaizers

Apparently some people, the Judaizers, so loved the act and idea of circumcision they wanted gentile believers to get in on the fun too. How thoughtful! Let’s all get in on the fun! Paul didn’t think so. He suggested a course of action for them that was, well, it’s best to let him explain in his own words. “As for those agitators, I wish they would go the whole way and emasculate themselves!” Anyone out there want a shot at explaining that one to a room of middle schoolers? “Kids, it’s like circumcision, only way worse. And yes, there are things worse than circumcision.”

Author: Barnabas Piper

The Sovereign Grace of God:

Even when we were dead in our trespasses, God made us alive together with Christ-by grace you have been saved.-Ephesians 2:5

The great missionary hope is that when the gospel is preached in the power of the Holy Spirit, God himself does what man cannot do-he creates the faith that saves. The call of God does what the call of man can’t. It raises the dead. It creates spiritual life. It is like the call of Jesus to Lazarus in the tomb, “Come forth!”

We can waken someone from sleep with our call, but God’s call can summon into being things that are not (Romans 4:17). God’s call is irresistible in the sense that it can overcome all resistance. It is infallibly effective according to God’s purpose-so much so that Paul can say, ‘Those whom (God) called he also justified” (Romans 8:30).

In other words, God’s call is so effectual that it infallibly creates the faith through which a person is justified. All the called are justified. But none is justified without faith (Romans 5:1). So the call of God cannot fail in its intended effect. It irresistibly secures the faith that justifies.

This is what man cannot do. It is impossible. Only God can take out the heart of stone (Ezekiel 36:26). Only God can draw people to the Son (John 6:44, 65). Only God can open the heart so that it gives heed to the gospel (Acts 16:14). Only the Good Shepherd knows his sheep by name. He calls them and they follow (John 10:3-4, 14). The sovereign grace of God, doing the humanly impossible, is the great missionary hope.

I Am Selfish:

The longer I am a parent the more I realize how selfish I am. I am a very selfish individual. Now I can only imagine what you might be thinking, "he's a Pastor. I thought he was suppose to be perfect." Well, let me just pop that bubble right away. I am not perfect in fact I am so far from perfect that if you only knew you would never have me teaching your children. But I digress.

I am selfish and my children reveal the selfishness in me. Allow me to explain:

I come home from work and all I want to do is spend a few minutes unwinding by checking the ESPN app but my daughter (2 years old) and my son (9 months) have other plans. They want to play with daddy or be walked or changed or fed. My son wants to pull my hair and my daughter wants me to dance around the living room with her. Some days I happily play along but on others I get upset and get moody and still check my phone while dancing. I am selfish.

At dinner time all I want to do is eat my meal in peace and quiet talking to my wife but instead I have to feed my son with one hand, keep two eyes on my daughter making sure she doesn't spill her drink or sneak dessert instead of eating her peas and carrots and than feed myself with one hand. I typically get upset and end of yelling when my daughter spills her milk. I am selfish.

The end of the day comes around 9:00 pm and my daughter is in bed and all I want to do is lay on the couch and enter a comatose state while staring at my phone but that is about the time of the night when my son becomes fussy (b/c he's tired) and he needs to be walked. I typically try to ignore him as long as possible before my wife finally gives me a kick and I reluctantly get up off the couch and take him to walk him around; complaining the whole time. I am selfish.

I went back and re-read these last three paragraphs and realized I had left out my amazing wife who serves all of us and I once again was reminded that I am selfish.

Where am I going with this? To be honest I am not really sure except to remind myself that I am selfish. I can fool so many people around me into thinking I am a stand up dad, husband, Pastor, leader but when I am alone in my house with no one else around but my family it is than revealed my true nature and that is one of a selfish human being.

This is why I need a Savior. I need a Savior because I can not do it on my own. I am not perfect. I fail everyday, multiple times a day but thanks be to God I have an advocate in Heaven who died for me, hears my prayers, and forgives me. I'm thankful for the never-ending, never-giving up, unbreakable, self-less love of Christ.

The Christian life (my life) is not one of hearing the Gospel one time and moving on from the Gospel rather the Christian life (my life) is one of perpetually needing to be reminded of the Gospel. Confessing my sins, repenting of my sins and running to Christ. I need the glorious truths of the Gospel everyday.

I am a selfish sinner but Christ is a self-less Savior.

Thanks be to God that in spite of myself God loved me enough to send His one and only Son to die for me.

Please if you struggle with selfishness like I do may I encourage you to confess your sin and run to Christ. You won't regret it.

How To Intimidate Suitors:

Author:                             Jen Wilkin
Original Posting Date:     June 23, 2014
Link to Original Aricle:  Original Article

I have two teenage daughters, so it was with some interest that I read a recent article entitled “Application to Date My Daughter.” It was pretty funny, playing on the idea of the stereotypical shotgun-toting father and the mortified daughter as they negotiate the tricky terrain of a first date. Then Christian bloggers grabbed the concept, and for the most part, these versions were funny, too. There were some common themes: slouchy-panted unemployed suitors, dads breathing out Chuck Norris-inspired threats. I didn’t lose my well-developed sense of humor until I made the tactical error of glancing at some of the comments. And then I was just flat-out sad.

Here is the comment that made me the saddest, posted by a well-meaning young Christian father:

Bro, this is awesome. My daughter’s only 2, but I am printing this for my fridge. Thanks for your godly example.

Oh dear.

Okay, joke’s over. Bro. Let’s talk strategy for a second. Is that all you’ve got? You need a better plan than these low-level intimidation techniques. After all, she’s your daughter. So let’s talk frankly about what you need to do to guard her interests when it comes to dating. Instead of brandishing a shotgun or breaking out an application, you need to build a wall.

That’s right, you heard me—build a wall. Go all “Rapunzel.” Build it so high that only the strongest of suitors can scale it. But don’t wait until your baby girl is a teenager, bro—start now. Start yesterday. There’s no time to waste.

Build a Wall

In Song of Solomon 8:8–9 we hear a family’s hope that their young sister will grow into a woman of strength and dignity. Can you guess what metaphor they use to describe that kind of woman? A wall. Their sister assures them in verse 10 that she is indeed a wall, complete with towers. Her statement indicates assurance that she is not only strong, but also able to defend herself against any unworthy suitors. That’s what you want, bro—you want a wall.

Here’s the problem with shotgun jokes and applications posted on the fridge: to anyone paying attention, they announce that you fully expect your daughter to have poor judgment. Be assured that your daughter is paying attention. And don’t be shocked if she meets your expectation. You might want to worry less about terrorizing or retro-fitting prospective suitors and worry more about preparing your daughter to choose wisely. And that means building a wall.

Instead of intimidating all your daughter’s potential suitors, raise a daughter who intimidates them just fine on her own. Because you know what’s intimidating? Strength and dignity. Deep faith. Self-assuredness. Wisdom. Kindness. Humility. Industriousness. Those are the bricks that build the wall that withstands the advances of Slouchy-Pants, whether you ever show up with your Winchester locked and loaded or not. The unsuitable suitor finds nothing more terrifying than a woman who knows her worth to God and to her family.

Too Strong?

But here’s a hard reality: if you raise that daughter, she’ll likely intimidate her fair share of “nice Christian boys” as well. Because a decent number of those guys have some nutty ideas about what it means to be in charge. I’m amazed and saddened at how often I hear young single guys say of bright, gifted single women, “Wow, she’s so strong I don’t think I could lead her.” At which point, too many bright, gifted single women begin to consider ways to “tone themselves down” or “soften themselves a bit.”

Raise a strong daughter, even if—no, especially if it means potential suitors question whether they can “lead her,” whatever that means to them. You’ve just identified those suitors as ineligible, without so much as an application process. Leadership is not about the strong looking for weaker people to lead. It’s about the humble looking for those whose strengths offset their weaknesses and complement their strengths. Strong leaders surround themselves with strong people, not with weak ones. Rather than finding the strengths of others threatening, they celebrate them and leverage them. This is Management 101, but I fear young Christian men and well-intentioned Christian parents of daughters have gotten a little fuzzy on the concept.

Put Down Your Shotgun

I often think that if we scrutinized our parenting with the same intensity we plan to turn on our daughters’ prospective suitors, we’d stop speculating about shotguns and applications and start building that wall. So, my well-meaning father of a 2-year-old, please don’t hit “print” on that application just yet. Instead of cross-examining the man your daughter brings home, cross-examine the man who brought your daughter home from the hospital. She does not need the belated braggadocio of your intentions to protect her from slouchy-pants fools when she’s a teen. She needs you to hitch up your own and invest in her character—now.

So put down your shotgun. Pick up your Indian Princess guide book, or your coach’s clipboard. Take a seat at a tea party. Teach how to change a flat and start the mower. Discuss politics and economics and theology. Compliment a new outfit or an A in math. Tell her you think she is absolutely beautiful. Kneel at a pink chenille bedside and pray your guts out. Raise a daughter with a fully loaded heart and mind so that a fully loaded shotgun isn’t necessary. She shouldn’t need you to scare off weak suitors. Let her strength and dignity do the job. Resolve to settle for nothing less than the best protection for your daughter. Resolve to be the kind of man you want her to bring home. Resolve to build a wall.

“What shall we do for our sister in the day when she shall be spoken for? If she be a wall, we will build upon her a palace of silver. . .” (Song of Solomon 8:8–9).

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Tough Question: Is Baptism Necessary For Salvation?

The belief that baptism is necessary for salvation is also known as "baptismal regeneration." It is my contention that baptism is an important step of obedience for a Christian, but I adamantly reject baptism as being required for salvation. I strongly believe that each and every Christian should be water baptized by immersion. 

Baptism illustrates a believer’s identification with Christ’s death, burial, and resurrection. Romans 6:3-4 declares, “Or don't you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into His death? We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.” The action of being immersed in the water illustrates dying and being buried with Christ. The action of coming out of the water pictures Christ’s resurrection.

Requiring anything in addition to faith in Jesus Christ for salvation is a works-based salvation. To add anything to the gospel is to say that Jesus' death on the cross was not sufficient to purchase our salvation. To say that baptism is necessary for salvation is to say we must add our own good works and obedience to Christ's death in order to make it sufficient for salvation. Jesus' death alone paid for our sins (Romans 5:8; 2 Corinthians 5:21). Jesus' payment for our sins is appropriated to our “account” by faith alone (John 3:16; Acts 16:31; Ephesians 2:8-9). Therefore, baptism is an important step of obedience after salvation but cannot be a requirement for salvation.

Yes, there are some verses that seem to indicate baptism as a requirement for salvation. However, since the Bible so clearly tells us that salvation is received by faith alone (John 3:16; Ephesians 2:8-9; Titus 3:5), there must be a different interpretation of those verses. Scripture does not contradict Scripture. In Bible times, a person who converted from one religion to another was often baptized to identify conversion. Baptism was the means of making a decision public. Those who refused to be baptized were saying they did not truly believe. So, in the minds of the apostles and early disciples, the idea of an un-baptized believer was unheard of. When a person claimed to believe in Christ, yet was ashamed to proclaim his faith in public, it indicated that he did not have true faith.

If baptism is necessary for salvation, why would Paul have said, “I am thankful that I did not baptize any of you except Crispus and Gaius” (1 Corinthians 1:14)? Why would he have said, “For Christ did not send me to baptize, but to preach the gospel—not with words of human wisdom, lest the cross of Christ be emptied of its power” (1 Corinthians 1:17)? Granted, in this passage Paul is arguing against the divisions that plagued the Corinthian church. However, how could Paul possibly say, “I am thankful that I did not baptize…” or “For Christ did not send me to baptize…” if baptism were necessary for salvation? If baptism is necessary for salvation, Paul would literally be saying, “I am thankful that you were not saved…” and “For Christ did not send me to save…” That would be an unbelievably ridiculous statement for Paul to make. Further, when Paul gives a detailed outline of what he considers the gospel (1 Corinthians 15:1-8), why does he neglect to mention baptism? If baptism is a requirement for salvation, how could any presentation of the gospel lack a mention of baptism?

Baptism is not necessary for salvation. Baptism does not save from sin but from a bad conscience. In 1 Peter 3:21, Peter clearly taught that baptism was not a ceremonial act of physical purification, but the pledge of a good conscience toward God. Baptism is the symbol of what has already occurred in the heart and life of one who has trusted Christ as Savior (Romans 6:3-5; Galatians 3:27; Colossians 2:12). Baptism is an important step of obedience that every Christian should take. Baptism cannot be a requirement for salvation. To make it such is an attack on the sufficiency of the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ.

In The Midst of Suffering:

Through many tribulations we must enter the kingdom of God. (Acts 14:22) 

No one ever prepared me for the reality of walking through suffering with people in the church. I have been serving on staff at a church for the past two years and I have come to view my church as a family. When one of us suffers we all suffer. My heart breaks for every church member who is going through a difficult season. I am often confronted with the question, "why?" "why would God allow this to happen?" "why can't I be healed?"

My heart breaks. Below is my answer to these questions.

The need for inner strength arises not just from the depletion of everyday stress, but from the suffering and afflictions that come from time to time. And they do come.

Suffering is inevitably added to heart-weariness on the way to heaven. When it comes, the heart wavers and the narrow way that leads to life looks impossibly hard.

Paul cried out three times with a question because of some affliction in his life. But God’s grace did not come in the form he asked. It came in another form. Christ answered, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Paul greatly desired to be healed from his affliction and he had enough faith to be healed but God had another plan in mind. God chose not to heal Paul because He had a greater plan.

Here we see grace given in the form of Christ’s sustaining power in unrelieved affliction-one grace given in the circle of another grace denied. And Paul responded with faith in the sufficiency of this future grace: “Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me”.

God often blesses us with a “grace given” in the circle of “grace denied.” 

Sometimes the grace of God comes inside the circle of a prayer denied. But in the midst of grace denied we get a grace supplied.

God is sovereign (in control) over everything; including whether or not a person is healed. My prayer for everyone going through a difficult affliction is that you learn to trust God’s wisdom in giving the grace that is best for you.

I am praying that every person walking through a trial would not be surprised that God gives us wonderful graces in the midst of suffering that we had asked him to spare us. He knows best how to apportion his grace for our good and his glory.

Sometimes God chooses to heal us; however, sometimes no matter our faith and no matter our prayers God chooses not to heal. In those seasons of difficult afflictions when you can not trace God's hand I pray you trust His heart.

My prayer for everyone going through a difficult affliction is that you learn to trust God's wisdom in giving the grace that is best for you. I am praying that every person walking through a trial would not be surprised that God gives us wonderful graces in the midst of suffering that we had asked him to spare us. He knows best how to apportion His grace for our good and His glory.